Transparency Time

During my post about my scrapbooking weekend, I make a reference to my awesome God weekend above and beyond the great time I had with my college friends. Well, I'm still trying to wrap my mind completely around where to begin and how my time in Scripture will be infiltrated into my daily life. So, let's begin - here's the story.

For the past few months, I have been in this spiritual battle of sorts. I have been reading my Bible, going to church and trying to seek out what direction God has for me. However, over those past few months, I have felt as though there was something big I was missing. I couldn't hear His words of guidance or direction. I simply had no idea what that big thing was. But I kept going. I felt as though I was saying, "God, I want to follow You, I want to do what You want me to do. I just have no idea what You want me to do or where You want me to go." I felt as though there was something really big, very obvious right in front of my face and I was looking right through it. It got a bit frustrating after a while. Had I missed something? Was there some huge act of disobedience I was engaged in? What was it?!?!?

So jump forward to this past weekend. Insert many hours of wide open conversation with friends that I have known for 14 years. I was great to hear that I was not alone in my struggles, one of my other friends had been wrestling with a similar thing. It was a great time of encouragement to hear her "rest of the story". After our talks, I felt better, but still was looking to find out what I was missing.

On Saturday morning, I woke up at 6:30 (which was pretty annoying since it was after 2 AM by the time I had gotten to sleep). I kept willing myself to go back to sleep. By 7, I realized that it was hopeless. I also decided that if I wanted to have my quiet time, just me, my Bible, my journals and God that it would have to be before the other girls woke up. So, I gathered my things and went and sat just outside the bathroom, with the door cracked just enough to give me enough light to read. I had just finished reading through 3 John and turned my Bible to read Jude 1. The first half of the scripture read,

"Jude, a servant of Jesus Christ, a brother of James"

I know what your thinking - "Wow!!! That is so deep, so meaningful, so full of passion. I can see how you got so much out of it." Or, more likely something like, "And . . . . . so . . . . ."

Well, let me share with you what I was taught that morning in that hotel room outside the bathroom door.

It quickly became very obvious to me that I was way out of order. The way I thought of myself was not the way it should have been. That in turn, was impacting my view upon the things around me. You see, whenever I think of myself, if someone were to ask me "Who are you?" I would answer something like this - I am a wife to Craig, a mother to Trinity, Kalyn and Xander, I volunteer with the youth group at my church, I play handbells in a couple of choirs, I am an active member of my MOPS group, and probably a few other things. It hit me that Jude first and foremost described himself as a servant of Jesus Christ. Before anything else. Above any earthly relationships, titles or description. His relationship with, his devotion to and his servanthood toward Jesus was his top priority. Mine had not. My Christian walk, my spiritual standing would come last in a self-description, if it was even said at all.

I very clearly understood that if I was going to see God's work in my life, if I was going to be able to recognize His voice, I was going to be able to see where He was leading, my own view of my spiritual identity needed to be first, atop all other things.

Then, I heard it. Was it an audible voice? No. But it was clear as day, no question about it. God said, "That's it." That's what I had been missing, what I had been looking right past. Now it was obvious. Now I could see it. And I was right - it was big. This idea that above everything else, I am a child of God, a servant of Christ, a follower of Jesus. It's been resonating in my mind ever since.

Part two of this continues. How do I infuse this big, huge, holy God into my simple, mundane, everyday life? How do I truly live as a servant of God as I do laundry, cook dinner, run errands? I'm still working on that. Let me know what's worked for you.